Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Letters from my Cat

I am back from Chicago. A play by play post is forth coming and true to my posting schedule I may have it up next year sometime (but I wouldn't hold my breath).

My good friend Rose watched Ginger for me and I know took wonderful care of her. I know this because Ginger usually chews me out when I walk through the door (if she decides to wake up long enough) for leaving her alone. Well after almost 5 days without me she did that cool guy chin jab thing and I could read her thoughts that said "Whats up dude?". I can say that at least my cat was happy (indifferent?) upon my return.

This is what I came home to at 11:30pm Monday night:

1. A hacking cough most likely contracted from some germ infested passenger on the many many flights or train rides I took in my epic voyage home.

2. Some jerk egged my car. As the temperature reached over 100 degrees over the wekend the egg was fried on my driver's side door. Egg does in fact eat paint and I now have a claim into my insurance to have it fixed. ARGH!

But I digress....the point for my post is that before I left Ginger dictated and subsequently signed a letter addressed to her Auntie Rose.

Auntie Rose,

Thank you for taking care of me while my dead beat mother vacations in Chicago. Were it not for your divine intervention my litter box would become unbearably full. I hate that. Also I work up quite a large thirst napping and ruling the neighborhood from my throne in the window. Not to mention the hours I am obligated to lounge on the back of the recliner and make faces at my mother. Needless to say with the rigorous schedule my water dish is in constant need of refilling, which I assume you will also be in charge of. It really is very exhausting being me and I again appreciate your efforts to maintain my lifestyle while my selfish no good mother is off eating pizza and drinking beer (she is such a bitch sometimes).

I have made a list of things that you will want to know about my needs. I only ask that if I am asleep that you refer to the list in anticipation of my every want and desire when I awaken. Please do not disturb my beauty rest, I am rather grumpy and unpleasant if woken up. Do so at your own risk:

What to expect at night:

You may close the blinds when the sun goes down. I no longer have any use for looking outside. I will patiently wait until you fall asleep and I will commence my evening calisthenics. I am watching my figure and do need to get my heart rate up on a nightly basis. Please don't be alarmed when I do burn outs across your chest and stomach. It is all a part of my circuit training. As is playing with my favorite ball. The ball has a bell inside of it and I am sure it will keep you awake as it ricochets off the kitchen cabinets and bathroom floor. Please do not get up and take the ball away from me. It will end badly for you and I am just looking for an excuse to slap the crap out of you.

When you walk in the door:

I expect a greeting. Acceptable greetings include (but are not limited to):

1) Picking me up and kissing me on the forehead (a personal favorite)
2) a pat on the head (tolerated only if followed by picking me up and kissing me on the forehead)
3) Verbally saying "Hello" (acknowledged, however I will wind through your feet until you fall over or pick me up and kiss me on the forehead)

What to expect if by chance you make use of the bathroom:

I will be in there with you. There are no other options. If you shut the door I will try to dig my way through the door to get in. Don't test me I will get my way. I am after all a cat and ALWAYS get what I want. Our time together will be much easier on you if you learn this lesson early.

General up keep:

I do not like my litter box to be very full. Please scoop once a day. However if you cannot scoop once a day, every other day will be okay (and who wants meritocracy, not I). Know that if you wait every other day that I'll give a look that will wither your self esteem (I have perfected that art, ask Mom). While every other day scooping is tolerated it is not my ideal.

My mother has seen to it that my nails have been done and my ears are clean. Also I was just given my Revolution last week. You will not have to worry about my grooming. However if you do decide to brush me, every other day scooping can be forgiven. It is a deal that my mother and I reached long ago....I will extend you the same courtesy.

As far as my food and water is concerned. I do not like to run out of either. If for some reason either bowl is empty I'll make a rather unpleasant yowling noise that will make you want to beat your head against a brick wall until you fill the offending bowl.

In case of Emergency:

This is my Doctor's phone number and address.[editors note: deleted this portion as I am sure no one is actually interested in Ginger's Vet info] They are very nice and I am sure will help you to help me if necessary. Also my mother left a blank check on the refrigerator to pay my doctor for his niceness.

In case I decide to injure myself after hours and you need to take me to the emergency room this is the address and phone number to the closest Emergency Vet.[Editors note: again deleted this section because if you don't want Ginger's vet info then you probably don't want her emergancy vet info]

But before you go rushing me off to the doctor you must put me in my purse. It is the pretty canvas bag with hot pink paten leather piping and handles next to the entertainment center. My mother has placed my medical records and collar in there for you to take with me when if I need to be taken anywhere.

Fun stuff:

My favorite thing to do is read with my mom. If for some reason you find yourself wanting to curl up on the couch with a good book I will be happy to sit right next to you and cuddle. Also I do enjoy watching television. I will sit on the back of the couch and possibly bat at your head every once in a while to let you know that I am still here. Also to remind you to tell me I am cute. A girl can never hear that enough.


Ginger (AKA Little Mamasita)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Look Ma! I'm literate!

Subject in Question:

I picked this book up about a week ago on the off chance that I would absorb a little culture. Also I needed to balance out the Harry Potter Overload (HPO). HPO is a frame of mind that is not unlike those that watch too much Star Trek or Lord of the Rings. Recently I was so engrossed in the the world at Hogwarts that in the morning when I would get dressed for work I would look in the mirror and make this observation "I look cute and all, but I need are black robes and a wand. Then I would look perfect.". After devising ways that I could give myself the the signature lightening bolt scar I decided that something had to be done. I. Must. Read. Something. Else.

That was when I picked up this book. It seemed light and easy to read. Exactly want I needed. I have to say that Entre Nous was not life changing but it was an interesting read. If you know a lot about French culture then I am sure this book would be elementary. However for those like me it fits the bill if you are interested in an overview of French women and what makes them special.

On a scale of 1-10 I would give Entre Nous a 6.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm Baaak (Insert the Jaws theme song here)

Long time. No post. No fear, I am alive and kicking. I have just been so super busy at work lazy. Truth be told I guess my life has just been boring and run of the mill lately. I am sure most would consider it a good thing. After all no excitement is better than tragedy and heartache. I would have to agree but it would be nice to get a girl’s blood pumping every now and then.

Boring or not, change is unavoidable and there have been a couple of things going on.

First being that I was given a substantial raise at work. It was a merit raise that was totally unexpected. I went with my boss to pick up pizza for the office and she broke the news to me while The Pussy Cat Dolls sang “Don’t Cha” on the radio. It was a moment worth remembering folks.

Second I was introduced to Dailylit.com. It has managed to suck hours and hours of my time. For those of you unfamiliar with dailylit.com its this genius website that has a cache of books available for you to read via email. Installments are sent to your email address from the book of your choice. At the end of each installment you have the choice to wait until the next day for the next installment or have it sent to you RIGHT NOW. I tell you it’s a black hole for the work day. I find myself reading and clicking for that next installment over and over again (see I totally deserved the raise). Currently I am reading The Swiss Family Robinson.

Third, my garbage disposal spontaneously stopped working for no apparent reason what so ever. I am positive it had nothing to do with the coffee grounds and potato peels I crammed in it. Now I will have to lock my cat in the bathroom while someone comes in to work on it. I am dreading this for one simple reason: My cat is a total bitch after being locked in the bathroom. I had to contain her in the bathroom not too long ago when there was a recall on my dishwasher. She was less than understanding when I tried to explain that unless it is fixed the damn thing would most likely explode thus causing my pretty pink dishes be reduced to shards of pretty pink shrapnel. But I digress…after being locked in the bathroom for less than four hours (as that is when I came home for lunch) when I opened the door she shot out of there like a little brown blur expressing her displeasure by howling her feelings at me and promptly sat under the kitchen table grumbling at me every time I walked past.

Lastly for your viewing pleasure:

I call this: My interpretation of Brittany only with slightly more class and a lot less cRaZy