Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Memorial Day Weekend: A cautionary tale.

This is how I spent my three day weekend:

Friday night: I really have no recollection of what I did on Friday night. And not for the reasons you may think. I am fairly positive that I did not consume a single glass of wine. But who knows. Maybe I drank an entire box. Mmmmm Franzia. But seriously I really do not remember what activities that evening consisted of. So if anyone out there was privy to my whereabouts or actions please fill me in.

EDIT: My current theory is that I took out a terrorist cell with my bare hands and some well aimed ninja stars. My previous theory is that I did laundry and fed the cat, but there is no way that I am that lame.

Saturday I do remember. (I know shocking right?) I sort of lounged around the house watching Carnivale on HBO. Until it was time to get dressed to attend a wedding. Whose wedding you ask? Well it was no one I knew. My friend Rose asked me to be her date to her childhood friend's wedding. The colors were purple and yellow ::shudder:: and the reception's theme was rubber duckys. Oh! And the bride and groom met in Bible College in Minnesota. So it goes without saying that the happy couple had saved themselves for the big night (at least other people thought it went without saying....I on the other hand asked (not the bride and groom, I do have a little more class than that, but just a little))

With all of this potential blog material I was primed and ready to go. The only thing that I did not bargain on was the lack of booze. There was not a beer in sight. The champagne toast was done with Martinelli's. But I guess when the groom is 20 that is sort of expected (to most normal people, I on the other hand protested loudly). Between the young bride and groom, the color pallet, the REALLY ugly bridesmaid dresses, and rubber duckys you would think that I could find one really funny story involving one of those subjects. But by far the tackiest story did not involve me or my keen ability to offend at the drop f a hat.

It all began at the reception (notably lacking any sort of social lubricant, as previously mentioned) when I was at our assigned table with Rose, her parents, Rose's other childhood friend and fiancé (Sarah and Rob), Sarah's parents were the last to join the table. Well half way through dinner (which was good) when Sarah's mother leaves the table and comes back laughing. She informs the entire table and and the table behind us that she is laughing because the Bride got up from the head table and went into the kitchen because she needed to take her birth control pill. She thought it was funny that the Bride was so militant about taking it at exactly the same time everyday even on her wedding day. To which Sarah responds with "Oh, I take mine between 1 and 3 everyday" her father then replies with something. What exactly he said I have no clue as I blocked it from memory because OMG EWWWWW!

This conversation disturbed me for three reasons:

1) I don't know the Bride at all but knowing the she met her husband at Bible College and the she has waited for marriage to lose her virginity (which yes, I know is a weird detail for a stranger to know, but its not like I announced it) she would probably be mortified that this was a topic of conversation at her reception.

2) Why does a father know about his adult daughter's birth control methods? I sense a weird Papa Joe Simpson relationship there. Yuck. Personally I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than discuss birth control in the presence of my father. For two reasons :

::Mom, stop reading here, you can rejoin the story in a sentence or two::

a) My father would then know that I have reason to need birth control.
b) okay well I guess "a" pretty much covers it. There is just no need for your father to know that about you. None.

::Mom, resume reading here::

3) How can those people be that tacky? I am the queen of sticking my foot in my mouth. But generally I know a split second after a sentence has left my mouth if it was well received. But these people continued the discussion for several minutes while Rose, her parents and myself sat there in stunned silence.

On Sunday I had a really nice day:

Rose and I made plans to go thrift store shopping: She had to stop by her work before we got our day started. She is an Executive Assistant at a country club. For me our little stop at her place of employment meant free breakfast. While she ran around directing life guards I ate a cheese and bacon omelet lovingly prepared by the kitchen staff.

The rest of the morning and afternoon consisted of a blur of thrift stores. I did find some neat stuff. I ::heart:: vintage jewelry and was able to find some really great necklaces for cheap. I also have an unhealthy fascination with commemorative state plates. Like the ones that tourists pick out. There are always a couple of them sitting all lonely in the aisle with the dish sets. They are little cast aside memories of past family vacations in the RV. As a natural born pack rat I pick these up and look at them wondering whose house they were in and why they were deemed unworthy to keep. This weekend I'm not sure if I was PMSing or what but I purchased two. One from Colorado that is trimmed in gold with scalloped edges. And the second was from North Dakota for the states Centennial in 1989. This one is blue and also trimmed in gold. I was about two seconds away from buying a plate from Epcot Center but Rose stepped in and put her foot down.

On Monday Alicia and I went to IKEA. I have been there so much since the Grand Opening of the one in West Sacramento that I no longer bother with the upstairs. I only shop downstairs where my standard purchase always includes a three pack of scissors. Scissors have this uncanny knack for disappearing in my house. The only remotely interesting thing I purchased is an ice tray that makes your ice shaped like little wine bottles. I've decide that this is appropriate as I am one of those people who put ice in my red wine. Scoff if you must but its true.

So that brings me to Tuesday morning. Three day weekend behind me and looking forward to the coming weekend. I'm not really sure what my plans are but rest assured that it will probably involve doing dishes or something equally thrilling.