Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Letters from my Cat

I am back from Chicago. A play by play post is forth coming and true to my posting schedule I may have it up next year sometime (but I wouldn't hold my breath).

My good friend Rose watched Ginger for me and I know took wonderful care of her. I know this because Ginger usually chews me out when I walk through the door (if she decides to wake up long enough) for leaving her alone. Well after almost 5 days without me she did that cool guy chin jab thing and I could read her thoughts that said "Whats up dude?". I can say that at least my cat was happy (indifferent?) upon my return.

This is what I came home to at 11:30pm Monday night:

1. A hacking cough most likely contracted from some germ infested passenger on the many many flights or train rides I took in my epic voyage home.

2. Some jerk egged my car. As the temperature reached over 100 degrees over the wekend the egg was fried on my driver's side door. Egg does in fact eat paint and I now have a claim into my insurance to have it fixed. ARGH!

But I digress....the point for my post is that before I left Ginger dictated and subsequently signed a letter addressed to her Auntie Rose.

Auntie Rose,

Thank you for taking care of me while my dead beat mother vacations in Chicago. Were it not for your divine intervention my litter box would become unbearably full. I hate that. Also I work up quite a large thirst napping and ruling the neighborhood from my throne in the window. Not to mention the hours I am obligated to lounge on the back of the recliner and make faces at my mother. Needless to say with the rigorous schedule my water dish is in constant need of refilling, which I assume you will also be in charge of. It really is very exhausting being me and I again appreciate your efforts to maintain my lifestyle while my selfish no good mother is off eating pizza and drinking beer (she is such a bitch sometimes).

I have made a list of things that you will want to know about my needs. I only ask that if I am asleep that you refer to the list in anticipation of my every want and desire when I awaken. Please do not disturb my beauty rest, I am rather grumpy and unpleasant if woken up. Do so at your own risk:

What to expect at night:

You may close the blinds when the sun goes down. I no longer have any use for looking outside. I will patiently wait until you fall asleep and I will commence my evening calisthenics. I am watching my figure and do need to get my heart rate up on a nightly basis. Please don't be alarmed when I do burn outs across your chest and stomach. It is all a part of my circuit training. As is playing with my favorite ball. The ball has a bell inside of it and I am sure it will keep you awake as it ricochets off the kitchen cabinets and bathroom floor. Please do not get up and take the ball away from me. It will end badly for you and I am just looking for an excuse to slap the crap out of you.

When you walk in the door:

I expect a greeting. Acceptable greetings include (but are not limited to):

1) Picking me up and kissing me on the forehead (a personal favorite)
2) a pat on the head (tolerated only if followed by picking me up and kissing me on the forehead)
3) Verbally saying "Hello" (acknowledged, however I will wind through your feet until you fall over or pick me up and kiss me on the forehead)

What to expect if by chance you make use of the bathroom:

I will be in there with you. There are no other options. If you shut the door I will try to dig my way through the door to get in. Don't test me I will get my way. I am after all a cat and ALWAYS get what I want. Our time together will be much easier on you if you learn this lesson early.

General up keep:

I do not like my litter box to be very full. Please scoop once a day. However if you cannot scoop once a day, every other day will be okay (and who wants meritocracy, not I). Know that if you wait every other day that I'll give a look that will wither your self esteem (I have perfected that art, ask Mom). While every other day scooping is tolerated it is not my ideal.

My mother has seen to it that my nails have been done and my ears are clean. Also I was just given my Revolution last week. You will not have to worry about my grooming. However if you do decide to brush me, every other day scooping can be forgiven. It is a deal that my mother and I reached long ago....I will extend you the same courtesy.

As far as my food and water is concerned. I do not like to run out of either. If for some reason either bowl is empty I'll make a rather unpleasant yowling noise that will make you want to beat your head against a brick wall until you fill the offending bowl.

In case of Emergency:

This is my Doctor's phone number and address.[editors note: deleted this portion as I am sure no one is actually interested in Ginger's Vet info] They are very nice and I am sure will help you to help me if necessary. Also my mother left a blank check on the refrigerator to pay my doctor for his niceness.

In case I decide to injure myself after hours and you need to take me to the emergency room this is the address and phone number to the closest Emergency Vet.[Editors note: again deleted this section because if you don't want Ginger's vet info then you probably don't want her emergancy vet info]

But before you go rushing me off to the doctor you must put me in my purse. It is the pretty canvas bag with hot pink paten leather piping and handles next to the entertainment center. My mother has placed my medical records and collar in there for you to take with me when if I need to be taken anywhere.

Fun stuff:

My favorite thing to do is read with my mom. If for some reason you find yourself wanting to curl up on the couch with a good book I will be happy to sit right next to you and cuddle. Also I do enjoy watching television. I will sit on the back of the couch and possibly bat at your head every once in a while to let you know that I am still here. Also to remind you to tell me I am cute. A girl can never hear that enough.


Ginger (AKA Little Mamasita)